By the Grace of G-d28th of Adar, 5734Brooklyn, N.Y.

Greeting and Blessing:

I am in receipt of your letter in which you write some observations about Judaism in general, which you link with the personal problem mentioned in your letter.

Let me first of all point out that in our day and age, especially insofar as Jews are concerned, it is hardly possible to isolate the problem of an individual without it affecting others. It is only a matter of degree how many other people it affects and to what extent. Thus, it is also impossible to isolate any action taken by a single Jew without it having repercussions for the family and community, especially when one lives in a community where the number of Jews is not very large and of them, the number of those who fully identify themselves with their Jewish heritage is even more limited.

In your case, there is also the added factor of your being a teacher. And experience has shown, regardless of the subject matter taught by a teacher, his students are highly susceptible to his influence also in other areas which are not related to the subject matter. Thus, everything he does in his personal life is bound to have an influence on his students.

With regard to your general observation about Judaism, I would like to point out that while the expression speaks of the “yoke” of the Kingdom of Heaven and the “yoke” of the Torah and mitzvos - the meaning and intent of it is not to convey any sense of an oppressive “yoke” but the acceptance of the Divine commandments with complete obedience, on the basis of na’aseh before v’nishma. A simple illustration may be found in the obvious necessity of eating and drinking regardless of how much, if anything, a person knows about the process of digestion, metabolism, etc. For, on receiving adequate nutrition one’s whole life and existence depend. Consequently, the logical approach for one who wants to find out about the importance of nutrition is not to stop eating and drinking, pending his findings, but to eat and drink as much as is necessary and then to investigate and learn. The same is true of the Torah and mitzvos which are “our life and the length of our days.” These must be observed even though one has not yet learned their full meaning and significance. At the same time it should be remembered that since the giver of the Torah and mitzvos is G-d Who is the Creator of man, the purpose of their observance is not for the benefit that G-d can receive from His created being, but rather for the true benefit of the one who observes G-d’s commandments and surely G-d knows what is such true benefit.

Now with regard to the question of a shidduch, it is of course quite the normal thing that when a marriage is contemplated at the right age, there must be also emotional involvement. But needless to say, the basic factor in married life, which will determine the durability and true happiness of the marriage, is that both sides should be as closely suitable to each other as possible by background, education and so forth, which would ensure their lasting compatibility and inner peace and harmony, even after the emotional aspect has worn off and weakened and when precisely the other factors become even more important.

Clearly, the period of emotional involvement when it may be forceful enough to outweigh other considerations, is a relatively short one and when that factor begins to weaken, one begins to have second thoughts as to whether one has been too subjective to properly evaluate the situation, with the inevitable result of painful doubts on the part of one or the other, or both involved. The situation becomes even more aggravated where there are children, who certainly are the innocent injured party.

I trust you will bear with me if I mention also the following point, though it may appear harsh. However, in view of the fact that you have written to me and asked for my candid opinion, I have no right to pass over this important point in silence. It is the following:

I do not know your age, but you have surely heard many details about the holocaust which took place in our generation and the so-called “final solution” which Hitler had dedicated himself to bring about. Such a “final solution” could be brought about G-d forbid in two ways. The one which Hitler had in mind, simply by the physical annihilation of the Jewish people. Or, another way namely, when a prospective Jewish family does not come to fruition, thus decimating our people of a Jewish family and many more Jewish families, should this process be emulated by others. This threat is all the more serious where the person setting this dangerous example is one who comes from a good Jewish background and is a person of influence, for others will surely find it much easier to follow. Yet, every Jewish family, as every Jew, is a whole world, thus each individual Jew and certainly a family, that are lost to our people, G-d forbid, contribute to the said “final solution.”

Referring now to the conclusion of your letter in which you write “I just cannot” - it is a contradiction in terms to believe that one who has been created by G-d should not be able to carry out the will of his Creator.

More specifically, the problem is one that can certainly be solved. I know of scores of similar situations and undoubtedly there are hundreds, where people involved in such a problem were able to deal with it more objectively and soberly, however difficult the test was and they eventually established happy Jewish families, happy not only in the sense of eternal life that is at stake but also in this material world.

To add a further point, which is really obvious: In order for a marriage to be truly happy, both parties must be happy and as mentioned above, happy also after the first emotional period is over. It is of course impossible in a normal marriage where both partners spend a great deal of time together, that one’s feeling and doubts should be concealed from the other and sooner or later, they must break into the open. Needless to say, the above is valid not only insofar as you are concerned but also in regard to the girl about whom you write. Indeed, if your feelings towards her are as consistent as you believe, you would not want to involve her in an inevitable tragedy.

You do not mention anything about the girl so I do not know anything about her. However, I have no objection if you wish to show my letter to her. In this case, there is another aspect that I would like to add, which should have perhaps been included in the letter in any case. This is that every person has an obligation to his or her family where the person has been raised, as well as to the community and to the people to whom the person belongs. As in the case of every debt or obligation, it is not something which a person can consider on a voluntary basis to repay the debt or not. For in each case one’s conscience and inner peace will sooner or later assert themselves and no person can be truly at peace with himself knowing that he has not paid his debt to his parents and to the community. And such guilt feeling will be a disturbing factor not only for the person who has failed in his obligation but also for the non-Jewish partner who has been a contributor and accessory in this.

I trust that what has been said above will suffice for you to reevaluate your situation, so that neither you nor the girl would jeopardize your and her true happiness in life.

With blessing,