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Blessing and Greeting:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your (undated) letter.

I do not know if you will agree with all that I have to say in reply to your request, but I trust that you will at least accept it in the spirit that it is offered.

There are certain things that a Jew has no power to change, regardless of a formal affiliation with any movement, or sect, and the like. A Jew’s real essence is being a Jew and a member of the people whom G-d designated to be “a kingdom of divine servants and a holy nation.”¹ If a person cannot change the color of his eyes, it should not be surprising that one cannot change one’s real essence.

However, Hashem desires that a Jew should be a Jew by free choice, and not by coercion, especially as the Jewish people have been described in the Torah as a “wise and understanding people.”² Thus, a Jew is expected to order his or her life in full accord with G-d’s will, as set forth in the Torah, called Torah Ohr, (because it illuminates everything in its true light), as clearly set forth in concise form in the Shulchan Aruch.

This is the answer to your question as to what you should do. For only such conduct in everyday life provides a truly harmonious life, without distortions. And although this is a must for its own sake, this also is the way to receive G-d’s blessings, for all one’s needs, both materially and spiritually.

Of course, there are Jews who do not follow this way of life, and seem to be quite happy. As my father-in-law, of blessed memory, expressed it, this seeming contradiction would bother only those for whom the material world is the only one that a Jew has. But those who believe in the eternal life of the soul, and life after life on this earth, will not be bothered by the anomaly, for there is a divine reward that goes much beyond the pleasures and advantages of the material life on earth.

Thus, the first thing is, as mentioned, to start a new life in the fullest accord with the Jewish way of the Torah and mitzvot, with the accent on the actual doing, namely the fulfillment of mitzvot in everyday life; and, in accordance with the well-known parable, there is no need to go out into the wilderness to look for something which is in your own backyard.

As for the three choices you mention in your letter, it depends a great deal on factors and details which cannot adequately be discussed in a letter. It would, therefore, be advisable for you to consult with knowledgeable friends, who know you personally, and who have helped you to strengthen your Jewish identity and commitment thus far.

Wishing you hatzlachah in all the above,